We're all looking to find our place in this world. What is our niche? Who are we? What do we stand for? Where do we fit in? It's probably one of the most frustrating but important questions we ask ourselves. The hardest part is that the answer is always changing. Some days I'm an ethical pastry chef and I rescue cats and I'm a good friend and an even better partner and I'm ok. But honestly, those days are rare. Most days I feel like a mess, trying to juggle all of my responsibilities and overcome depression and push through anxiety and insecurities. Those days, I'm just like everyone else....taking on too much, taking risks, flopping around trying to grab onto something, and really just counting down the minutes until I can curl up on the couch and watch tv and fall asleep. Because you can love what you do and still feel buried beneath it all.
I used to have a small business, we made folk art, beautiful things, thoughtful and important treasures that nobody else made and we worked for 6 years building it. The demand for our work was unreal. And one day in early spring, we realized that we couldn't keep going. We were months behind on our bills, we hated every minute of it, we fought, we cried, we faced the darkest time, a time we couldn't even fathom. And we made the hardest decision of our lives - close our doors. Issue refunds. Move forward. We're still paying the price for that, still in the thick of it, but I made a choice. I never ever wanted to feel like that again. To feel so stuck, and so sad. And coming back to baking, that's been this blessing I never expected. And sure I made some of the same dumb mistakes early on, but the last few months have been an incredible growing period. One where I truly feel like I'm figuring out my place in this world.
I bake because it makes people happy. Feeding people is a kind of magic that is hard to put into words. It's messy and beautiful and fills me up in a way that e-commerce never even came close to. I have big dreams but I've been so scared. But the other day a friend of mine, a brave and honest women, told me to lean the fuck in. So that's what I'm doing. I'm leaning in. I'm not more full of magic than the next woman, but I'm not going to be afaid anymore. I know the consequences to my actions, I know the price that one has to pay for failure, I know the darkest dark and I know how to stay away from it. Those are my gifts from this often cruel and unforgiving universe, that and the power to turn vegan buttercream into love, ten times it's own weight.
I know life is scary. I've been through it, I've been the victim, I've been the survivor, I've been the warrior and the defeated. I'm not hiding from my past self, I'm leaning in, sugar in my hair and green icing on my chin, I'm leaning in.